Guten Tag! :)

As the title implies, I haven been blogging for a long long time so I tot maybe it is time for me to blog. For fun, just feeling the urge to blog. Yeah, I am usually a lazy person in blogging.
I got an interview on NOC on Monday and I am excited over it! There are 2 rounds of interview and I got this feeling that I cant even pass the first round of interview. I am dying to get into NOC.
But, if I do get into NOC, then I have a huge problem, MOE may not agree, and most probably would not agree to me going for NOC cause’ NOC has nothing to do with teaching and it will definitely cause me to graduate late. Oh yah, btw, NOC = NUS overseas College focusing on business and entrepreneurship. I tink I will worry about this problem when the time comes.
I am starting to realise that I have not much passion in teaching and teaching was not my real ambition. I like business and hope to venture into business one day or work in the corporal field, and not science. I have little interest in Lifescience. This worries me alot cause’ it means that I have wasted my time and my degree pursuing something which I have no interest in. However, what is right and what is wrong is never right at such an early instance, I guess I have to continue with this degree but most probably not so high, not Honours maybe. I dont want to waste my time I guess.

Really happy that my bf can get into University of Glasglow in Physiology and Nutritional science. At least he can get into Uk. No matter what, I know what I want, I will wait for him.

Yawn..I hate studying. It is so boring with me stuck at home with all the german verbs and cell biology stuff. It is BORING. I think I have lost motivation to study because I am doing badly in my studies. Fail my bioinformatics test and german test, with same marks too. What a concidence. Whatever. Everyone around me will end up with honours, while I would just merely get a "pass". Yah, whatever. MOE would kick me away. I am ashamed of that. And because of that, I am so stressed. Yah.
Whatever.
Hmm, at least I know that I am really not a science student. I cannot study science, at least lifescience, cause’ I am struggling so hard to study well. I am not used to being the last in studies, yet I am the last. I have come to accept it. What is laughable is that I am a nerd and the nerd who studied so hard yet fail! Why?! MOE asked me why. I tell her " My cousin died during my yr 1 sem 1, and I dunnoe why I did badly in yr1 sem 2, then my yr 2 sem 1, my grandfather passed away". Yah, the answer I would give MOE.
This is nice, being stuck in the room, without toking to anyone else cause’ I just quarreled with my mom and my sister and my bf. So, I spend the time in my room surfing sites, to prevent myself to be in depression.
Hmm, at least holidaes are coming! Hurray! My cousin’s wedding is coming, havent thought of what to wear….Yah, I have become superficial now in Uni. Even my bf saes so, and he saes I have no life. (hu the hell has life in uni?!)
In conclusion, I will be who I want to be, not what pple expect me to be. I will study as much as I can for cell biology and german, and whatever grades I get, I cant be bothered. And, my bioinform project, I will just do it on wednesday, after german and sloughed my way the whole night to complete the report.
Thinking of starting business..but dunnoe what business to set up…hmmmm…

Yeah, another depressing blog entry. Haiz…HURRAY.

I am never happy and it is not my fault. It is so hard to be happy in my life. Recently, reality just sinks in with me that it is not easy. 5 mths more. And, he is not going to be in Singapore as his family is in overseas afterall, and uni overseas too. Suddenly, I knew it. Family is still the ultimate most impt thing. I cant blame him. I don’t. But I can expect, when he had gone, the lesser time he would be in Singapore, maybe never. What pains me more, the fact that the lesser time he would spend with me, or the fact that he may never be back in Singapore? I don’t know. I don’t wish to know. No, I am supposed to be happy for him, afterall, it was his dream, wasnt it? Yes, it was his dream. Then, why am I upset? I have no idea. Is there a change of decision from me because it is going to be getting even tougher? I just feel like crying. Yes, cry to let loose all the agony in me. All. My reality, my hopes and dreams. Suddenly, they all seem to be collapsing. Hope. Hope for everything to be successful. Hope. Hope. Hope. Hope. Hope.

All my life I have tried my best to look for a perfect life, but it took me so long to realise that there is no perfect life.

The perfect life I am looking for is simple. Just to have results proportional with the hard work put in. Just to have someone who really cares about me and understand me. These 2 together with a happy family.

Is it so difficult?
I think it is difficult. When I am weak in an aspect in life, I tried to pull myself up, either it goes to waste or some other aspect of my life goes down. I need to be happy. I am trying but I am not. Someone is making me unhappy maybe I am making the someone unhappy. I really don’t know. It bothers me. Because suddenly, I am once again away from the someone’s life. Is that a retribution or what? I can speak to no one because I made this choice. Yet, I am crying silently. I am an actress. I put up a happy mask. Does it works? Is it worth doing these? I don’t know. I don’t know how to tell the someone. I am trying to understand, but it pains me. Once again, I am in the pool of silent debate. It is always without conclusion. Either because I cant bear to make the choice or I am too afraid to.
I drown myself in work and music, yet in my dreams, I am always searching for the right answer to the answer. I cant find it yet. Is it worth doing all these?

I am still looking for the perfect life that I am after.

My grandfather left us today. It was very saddening.

Initially, there was a call to say that he was in critical condition and the doctors were doing blood transfusion for him. Then 5 minutes later, another call came to say that he had left us. Then, everything was so "blurry." My mother cried.I cried too. Although I knew that he was going to leave us soon, but I cannot take it that he had left us.

I felt so lost in school, couldnt really concentrate in classes. Then after school, I left to the funeral.
Saw him in the casket. I wanted to cry, but don’t dare to.He looked so different. Like I don’t know him anymore. Saw the ang-bao he gave me when I got into university when he wished me all the best for my studies. Recalled that day when I talked to him before my visit to HSA. Suddenly, it came upon me that he was gone.

I think that the most hurting thing in life is to really to lose someone you loved.

Ah gong, hao hao shang lu. Wish that you have happiness in your another life.We love you.

-23/10/2007

Havent been blogging for a long long time, but feel that I should blog now since I am feeling up and down. This week is another up-and-down week for me. Eventful definitely.

Yesterday was one of my best days in my life. We went to celebrate my father’s birthday. Initially we planned to go to Tung Lok Signatures, but last minute we cancelled it cause’ of my grandfather. In the end, last minute, I searched through all the websites and find another restaurant to celebrate his birthday. The restaurant is at "The Legends" at Fort Canning Park there. It was a seafood buffet. We came damn late, like 8 plus and the buffet ended at 930. The service was very good, we were treated to complimentary Lime Juice and they especially prepared a slice of birthday cake for him, with a lighted candle. They were so nice to us and the food was very good, especially the chocolate fondue. It gave me a cosy environment and my dad was very happy. It makes me happy too.

Today is one of my worst day I considered. I went to the hospital to see my grandfather. Seems like he is in an even worst state when I last talked to him on Monday. There were a lot of tubes around him and he looked so fragile. I felt like crying but I controlled myself. We all knew that his time is up soon, maybe by tonight. I really don’t know. He couldnt recognise many people, but I am glad that he recognise me. He kept counting and asking why we signed the papers to operate him, when we didnt. And he kept saying that there were alot of people pulling him and forcing him to operation room and cutting him into 2 when there wasnt. It scared me a lot. We all try to convince him that there wasn’t any one.

I really wonder why is it that dying people will hallucinate. Is it because that during those last few moments, the brain neurons went crazy and started to anyhow fired.

Now, any phone call scares us alot because it may mean that he has left us.

Life is really cruel sometimes, making us go through such painful moments, one day our loved ones are present and the other days, they disappeared from the earth.

Meanwhile, I am dying in the amount of work. Overloaded man. So many things to do!

ARGH…I cant go to the Homecoming Dinner cause I have forensic science lecture., tot maybe I can go. Sad. haiz. haha~

Anyway, here’s wishing TJ a happy anniversary..before hand. haha~ And, I love this school hell lot, this school gives me good friends and get me into the CCA that I love so much with people in the CCAs who rocks very much. I love them man. My tutors are so nice.:)

I am glad that I am in TJC!

They came my school  Haha! Ben, zhen Rong, Dawn Yeoh and Kym Ng came my school to flim the Hey! Gorgeous. ahha~ So fun. But sickening. Both Jia Fen and I were filmed by them! Oh no! We were both sitting at the bus stop opposite the central library. Then, Zhen Rong sat next to me and Dawn Yeoh sat next to Jia Fen, we were on air! ARGH! Then Zhen Rong asked me,(about Jia Fen), "Anyone says she is pretty before?" " Is there alot of guys after her?". Haha~ I merely answered "Yes, alot". Then Zhen Rong asked Dawn Yeoh and Dawn says" Okay lah…her complexion is good". Dotz~ haha~ Seriously, it is so scary when they sat BESIDE us. Damn! But Dawn Yeoh looks not pretty in real person, very saddening, when she is so sweet kind. And, her complexion is quite poor when seen closely. It was full of pimples but covered with lots and lots of layer of foundation. Overall, I think she looks better on TV, esp the bao jia wei guo, whereby she is sweet. But, she is DAMN tall! Woohoo!

Anyway, it is insulting that zhen rong never say I am pretty! Hmmp…but aim at Jia Fen. Sigh. It is a sad life man. hahah~

But those chosen to represent NUS is not bad, the guy Kenneth is quite good-looking and the girls are very very pretty. Good choice! But, out of the 6 chosen, NONE of them are from science! But this year science freshies got a lot of mei nus lehx..ARGH. And, I should nominate Jia Fen inside,hahahha~

1 yr anniversary is coming soon of he leaving us. My mom cried again cause’ my aunt kept thinking about it over the phone.
  In the past, when watching movies about people going away, I never really feel very very sad. Actually, in real life, experiencing it is even more painful. It is worsen by the fact that it was so abrupt and young and unexpected, without any explanation.
They say that time will heal all things, but I beg to differ, time will not heal things. Cause’, no matter how long time is, it will always carve in our heart, the lump in our throat rising, and the ever-wish that all these were just purely a nightmare. When we all woke up, he would be standing there, smiling and waving to us.

I wish.

Today I feel very tired and very upset.Got into another quarrel with her again. I feel so drained that I feel like dying. I feel angry with God for making things so difficult for me. Why cant I be like the other teenagers? Happy in dating etc.

I am not happy. I am overwhelmed by troubles that I don’t know what to do. Like someone standing, helpless.

I think my life is too challenging that sometimes, I feel like giving up and ending my world. Cause’ I never get what I want in the end, and instead, more troubles come up everywhere. I wish that some aspect of my life is smooth with just some small troubles, but I never get those. Since young, I am just a girl whose life is chosen by others, who is afraid of life, never happy, lonely with few good friends. And, I think I am still like that now.

Like now, when I am upset, who can I talk to? No one. I hate the feeling so much.

Isnt she being so ridiculous? Limit me to 2 days a week for going out? What the shit… and she says cause’ I am still studying and that’s why I can onli go out with him for 2 days. It is not like I am in school. Now is vacation. If in school then I will understand what she means. But now I don’t.

I want to be free. To make my own decisions, to do things that I like. WHEN CAN I DO TAT?!