Guten Tag! :)

Yawn..I hate studying. It is so boring with me stuck at home with all the german verbs and cell biology stuff. It is BORING. I think I have lost motivation to study because I am doing badly in my studies. Fail my bioinformatics test and german test, with same marks too. What a concidence. Whatever. Everyone around me will end up with honours, while I would just merely get a "pass". Yah, whatever. MOE would kick me away. I am ashamed of that. And because of that, I am so stressed. Yah.
Whatever.
Hmm, at least I know that I am really not a science student. I cannot study science, at least lifescience, cause’ I am struggling so hard to study well. I am not used to being the last in studies, yet I am the last. I have come to accept it. What is laughable is that I am a nerd and the nerd who studied so hard yet fail! Why?! MOE asked me why. I tell her " My cousin died during my yr 1 sem 1, and I dunnoe why I did badly in yr1 sem 2, then my yr 2 sem 1, my grandfather passed away". Yah, the answer I would give MOE.
This is nice, being stuck in the room, without toking to anyone else cause’ I just quarreled with my mom and my sister and my bf. So, I spend the time in my room surfing sites, to prevent myself to be in depression.
Hmm, at least holidaes are coming! Hurray! My cousin’s wedding is coming, havent thought of what to wear….Yah, I have become superficial now in Uni. Even my bf saes so, and he saes I have no life. (hu the hell has life in uni?!)
In conclusion, I will be who I want to be, not what pple expect me to be. I will study as much as I can for cell biology and german, and whatever grades I get, I cant be bothered. And, my bioinform project, I will just do it on wednesday, after german and sloughed my way the whole night to complete the report.
Thinking of starting business..but dunnoe what business to set up…hmmmm…

Yeah, another depressing blog entry. Haiz…HURRAY.

I am never happy and it is not my fault. It is so hard to be happy in my life. Recently, reality just sinks in with me that it is not easy. 5 mths more. And, he is not going to be in Singapore as his family is in overseas afterall, and uni overseas too. Suddenly, I knew it. Family is still the ultimate most impt thing. I cant blame him. I don’t. But I can expect, when he had gone, the lesser time he would be in Singapore, maybe never. What pains me more, the fact that the lesser time he would spend with me, or the fact that he may never be back in Singapore? I don’t know. I don’t wish to know. No, I am supposed to be happy for him, afterall, it was his dream, wasnt it? Yes, it was his dream. Then, why am I upset? I have no idea. Is there a change of decision from me because it is going to be getting even tougher? I just feel like crying. Yes, cry to let loose all the agony in me. All. My reality, my hopes and dreams. Suddenly, they all seem to be collapsing. Hope. Hope for everything to be successful. Hope. Hope. Hope. Hope. Hope.

All my life I have tried my best to look for a perfect life, but it took me so long to realise that there is no perfect life.

The perfect life I am looking for is simple. Just to have results proportional with the hard work put in. Just to have someone who really cares about me and understand me. These 2 together with a happy family.

Is it so difficult?
I think it is difficult. When I am weak in an aspect in life, I tried to pull myself up, either it goes to waste or some other aspect of my life goes down. I need to be happy. I am trying but I am not. Someone is making me unhappy maybe I am making the someone unhappy. I really don’t know. It bothers me. Because suddenly, I am once again away from the someone’s life. Is that a retribution or what? I can speak to no one because I made this choice. Yet, I am crying silently. I am an actress. I put up a happy mask. Does it works? Is it worth doing these? I don’t know. I don’t know how to tell the someone. I am trying to understand, but it pains me. Once again, I am in the pool of silent debate. It is always without conclusion. Either because I cant bear to make the choice or I am too afraid to.
I drown myself in work and music, yet in my dreams, I am always searching for the right answer to the answer. I cant find it yet. Is it worth doing all these?

I am still looking for the perfect life that I am after.