Guten Tag! :)

Okay..dun start getting annoyed with my complaining again.I cant it. My life just went way damn worse again! I tot my horrible results, my loss of friends was already a headache to me..but bingo! More problems came out. Now my brother went for the stupid army checkup and they were suspicious of his heart, someting abt maybe a hole in his heart and he needs to go re-check up again at Alexandra Hospital. Hooray! He may go to PES C and at least it is not so bad but damn it! He has heart problems and I am not happy about it. My mom’s cousin dies from a hole in his heart and what the hell…and for me, I never going to take health for granted again. I need to go check-up again..for some health problems and I am very worry. Ya…so Fan-tastic.

Yeah..looks like God is trying to tame me till I die…because I tink back again, though after each setback I regain my steps, but there are too many downs in my life. I tink I have experienced alot in life. Like relationship etc etc, that it makes me kind of scared of life now. I am quite afraid of Monday my brother test report, and worst, will my other twin brother suffer the same problem? Is it genetic first? I am scared. Scared for my whole health too.

Okay gal..pull urselves up, smile and hope for the best!

Today is really my worst day of my life. I tink I lost 3 frends.

I got back my sucky results..and it was so unexpected because it was sucky to the core and I tot I did well..and I ended up crying alot cause’ I cant believe what has happen to me. I hated God for doing this to me. I hated myself. I cry myself till I had stomachache and vomitted. I know it is wrong to take results too seriously but I am not crying over the results, I am crying cause’ it is so unexpected and that in the end, after 20 years of my life, I havent yet discovered what I am best in.

Worst come to come, I am sure to lost my scholarship for sure cause of my sucky results. And I hate to tell my dad, cause’ he already has worked so hard. I dun wan him to work any harder. I hate that feeling. I hate the feeling of breaking his hope and heart…but I cant, I have tried my best and I failed yet again.

Worst thing of my life is that I missed the birthday outing organised by Dan, cj and Duck, my 3 best frends and it was because of my selfish act that cancel the outing that I was realli waiting forward to. But I didnt go because I am sick cause’ I dun wan to spoil their mood. But who knows..cj and Dan turn up at my house and give me the present. They were really very nice to me. Yet, because of me…I prayed to God really, I havent lost my 3 frends I hope.

I don’t think I will be really able to sleep tonight and I feel dizzy, confused and scared. I tink losing these 3 frendsof my life is worse than my sucky results.

It’s funny cause’ yesterday I was very happy cause’ I finally solved the problem between JH and me and now, more problems come in.

I really dunnoe how and what to do now…I wish wish that I could turn back time…and hope they would forgive me. I really really really hope. And, I am cryin again. Seems like crying the whole night is the only thing I can do…

OMG! O-M-G! tml..the bloodly results would be out and I am NOT looking forward to it. Kinda of scared…and I dunno why..still the someone who cares about face and pride…haiz..wish I can do well..I dun expect much..just slightly above average would do..ya..pls pls pls man..

Anyway, still pondering as to whether to accept Sok wai’s invitation to the sports bash paegent comm..cause’ TUSH has been memorable, great and fun to me..:)

hmmm…hope tml guys dun see me on dead…hahha~

Hmm..for once in my whole life I finally understand how hard those overweight people feel! People calling you fat and the discipline to want to lose weight just hung over you..but ends up without any actions. Sadly. I wish there are beloved P.E. lessons to keep me on form and lose those IDIOTIC fats..haha~

Okie for those overweight people out there..hung on there kk? We CAN do it kk? Jiayou!

Have my bdae yesterday. As usual, weird, like last year. In fact, everytime my bdae is always disappointing to me, esp when u get to see real colours of ur own frends, especially some of ur good frends ( I shant sae who), who forgets ur bdae. Yah, I dunnoe why, sensitive yesh I am, but I can forgive those who are not close to me, or sick to forget my bdae but, my good frends to forget my bdae, is a bit sad for me. Oh well, forget it.

Anyway, real thank you to those who wishes me a happi bdae, even blur Jiafen remembers! So touched! Thanks darling. And, my darling Natalie is the best, she called me. People I realli need to thank for remembering my bdae:

Felicia, Daniel, Terence, Daphne, Jiafen, PJ,Luke,Natalie, Louisa, weina!(anyone I forget?) and also those who remembers late.haha~

Yup..Hmm, watched spiderman 3 on my bdae and also went to funfair with my bf. Thanks dear for that wonderful watch. and the dae too. haha~

And to my family members! Thanks so much! I finalli get to eat my delicious Awfully Chocolate cake! Yupiee! It is realli good!

Oh yah, thanks to George too for the well-wishes.

Yah,that’s all for my bdae. I guess, it during ur bdae then u saddened at the thought that u remembers pple’s bdae(best frends) and yet, they forget ur bdae. Are they your real true best frends? If they are reali busy or sick or what, I can understand but if not, I have no idea what to sae. Ya, I am a simple gal, just a simple "Happi bdae" will make me happi.

Oh well! Sorry LC again..for being so pessimistic! Yup!

I am saying this because I am not. I wish that I can be but no matter how hard I try to, I never feel optimistic at all. It’s the thought of feeling that I cannot reach the stage I want no matter how hard I try. It’s like, somethings in life are just so unfair. I know that I should be grateful with what I am given, I am. But, there is always this part of me that wishes that I can be abit higher than average. But no, I am always at the average mark.

I started pondering to myself, why do I have to go through a hell lot in order to see the sunrise? Is it true that intelligence do play a crucial part in life? Is it possible that no matter how hard you try, you would not get what you desired? Why are somepeople born luckier? They are beautiful and intelligent.

I think, after going through so many years of my life, I feel kind of tired. Tired of challenging whoever is up above. I never reached my expectations in life and never understand why I cant. Is life really govern fate, that it is almost impossible to challenge it? I don’t know.

What are mistakes in life? How do you identify "mistakes" ? Anyway, after reading LC’s blog also, honestly to say, I am starting to wonder have am made the correct choice in choosing to be a teacher. Do I really want to be a teacher? After all, I took up the miserable scholarship because I do not want to strain my parents and I want my brothers to do well for their As. But, do I really like? Do I really like what I am studying about? No. I think not. I don’t even know what I really like in my life! I have totally no ambition in life. Sadly speaking, my whole life of decisions have been made by my mom, because I hate making decisions. When I was primary school, higher chinese, secondary school, triple science blah blah blah.

I always learn to love the things I do, and I can do that. such as loving physics. But, there is nothing I really love at the start!

I feel for myself, for making such a hasty decision which is making me struggling day and night. I am studying things I have no interest in. Yet, I study because I have to study, and not I want to study.