Guten Tag! :)

Break-up as the title says it all. Singing “Happy ending” by Avril just makes me feel better. The song which says how I feel now, and the song that allows me to shout and scream and yells…oh boy…it feel better.

Just a short update for the people who are reading my blog…haha~

I passed my Manual driving test! I can drive now. But I hardly drive cause’ my dad is worried about leaving me with his “wife”. Yah…but I am sucky so I can understand his concern. And I passed on the same day as my sis. My driving licence foto is sucky cause’ I didnt bring my own foto as I tot I would fail. -_-’ Unpredictable.

And I chose Molecular and Cell biology as my concentration. I am walking into doom but still I chose to walk in. Shit. I cant take biology cause’ alot of courses require General Physiology which I didnt take in yr 1. And I cant take BMS cause’ I am MOE slave. Yup.

My bf left singapore to Edinburgh to study sports science. Yup, basically, I am at home everyday…..

Boring life eh? Yah. Totally.

Ok, I have enough of these kind of people found in Singapore. They are ridiculous, and all high almightly people. Today, I encountered one of that irritating kind. They make me so furious.

Went to Ikea with xiuyun today to accompany her to buy photo frames. She wanted to check how much points there were in the Ikea "Friends Card" which was given by her bf’s sister and this was the first time she had ever used the card. The machine required her to slot in her card but we didnt know that the stupid bloodly OLD woman had her card in the slot so XY wanted to slot in. She shouted " MY CARD IS INSIDE!" XY quickly apologised to her and she continued with her bloodly scolding at her EVEN after apology.

Yes, she belonged to the group of the once english-educated society of Singapore that was ONCE "SUPPOSED" to be high-ranking people of society. I realised that these people are usually females or should I say that those I encountered are females. It makes me ponder why they always have such attitude problems. Is it because that they are having menopause, that is the hormones taking control over them? Or is it that they still live in the illusion that they are still the top of the ladder? It is true that my parents are chinese-educated people but their actions are more civilised that those english-educated bitches. Anyway, these english-educated bitches are top only in the colonised period. These people are replaced by other groups of people so quit their stupid bitching as though they are so damn great.

After that woman walked away, I turned to XY and exclaimed loudly "Crazy, PMS man".

We, are now top of the ladder my dear old women, despite our parents were below, so get a life.

I re-watched the movie "If only" again, which my bf had given me for vday. It still makes me cry alot. It is an awfully meaningful movie that leaves me tinking. Some quotes are " It doesn’t matter whether you are given 5 minutes or 50 minutes, as long as you love fully then this is all that matters", and "It doesnt matters what happened in the past, what matters is only now".

He is leaving sg in just about 2 weeks time and who knows when would I see him again. I just hope that I could love him fully, because as the show says, it doesnt matter whether he is here in sg for 2 weeks or forever, I just need to show him my love for him after so much he had done for me.

Life is just confusing as to devoting time for ur loved ones or to work. It is not easy to achieve both.

People,treasure ur loved ones.

I have no idea why but I feel so depressed. Feel like crying today. Infact, cried twice over stupid matters. It is not because of studies, because exams had been over. But was over few issues that left me feeling demoralised and disappointed.

First is my 21st bdae. I requested not to have a party. But to me, 21st bdae was just a normal day, with nth unusual because my mom was sick, my sis was busy with her work, my bro was in camp while the other with my dad were busy. But they asked me to find a place to eat. First ting first, I dunnoe why it bothers me so much, it is stupid but seems like it is my bdae but I am the one doing the searching. And, I have no cake because everyone is busy, so my mom asked me to buy one myself. Secondly, I have driving lessons, i regretted cancelling a few on the day itself cause I had a normal lunch and my bf was busy with work. My bros didnt even bother asking or wishing me. Some of my few close friends forgot my bdae, yet I am glad that those not close to me wished me as well. I feel upset that it was my bdae but I had to plan everyting! Their bdae, I planned and searched and wished them. What abt mine?! I hated this bloodly feeling. Maybe I am too sensitive or just making tings out of nth, but I hate this un-special 21st. Whatever.

Maybe this makes it big because of my driving lessons. I took 4 lessons the whole day and it upsets me that I did badly for all, those immediate fail kind, when I tried so hard. Worst, next week is my test. I hate hate hate this kind of feeling!

It comes worse that I kept telling myself that it is okie to fail, but I just hate it when I tried so hard, yet end up like shit. I kept telling myself to take tings easy, but I cant convince myself.  To add on, my bf is leaving sg in like 2 weeks time and I have no idea when he would be back to sg esp when his family is in Dubai. Why? Why? Why?!

XJ, please please please,take tings easy. Please….

Do you ever have the feeling that you felt lost and don’t know what to do regarding about a particular issue? I have. And it had been with me since long.

To conclude, in the long-run, true love don’t exist all all. Love is just a deceiving actor in life, making you so lost and you feel upset and depressed emotionally.

Initial stage of relationship is definitely the happiest, the long talks, the walks together and making you forget everything in the world. You feel happy and feel that he is definitely the one for you.

When challenges come along, disrupting in your relationship, you feel angry because you feel that both of you are make for each other. You try to resist against the external forces and the more resistance eventually give you the wish that you want, to be with him. You are happy.

Then after that stage, fights and arguements start cropping up, even every issues. We human beings are never perfect, you tried to change him and vice-versa and interfere into his life. He felt trapped, as though the rules are make by you.
This is further worsen if he was apart from you for a few years and by the time he came back, he had changed completely. Not only physically but also mentally. His thoughts had been influenced and now, there was competition between your ideas and his ideas, and most importantly, goals in life. He sees that being together with you, and need to spend as much time as possible together, but you see your future, and you work hard for your future as more important. As a result, they conflicted each other. Eventually, you feel scared. Scared that you have to participate in the "diplomatic" talk with him and yet, you have insufficient time to complete your goals and work. He doesnt understand, but rather feel that he shld be the top priority.

You worred that you would lose him and vice-versa, but fights broke out every single day, and yet, your work is killing you, you suffered from emotional distress and yet you cant show it, because you were the one who deserve it since you resist against the external factors. He kept thinking that he is trying to change your life to the better, but you cant change, because it is not you. You had been govern by the culture you live in and not the culture he stays in.

Then eventually, you keep thinking, should you give up on him and complete your goals or forget your goals and be with him, but one thing for certain, they don’t complement each other.

True love is a lie and it never exists, it was just a deliberate attempt to hurt the people involved, causing side effects such as emotional distress.

And, slow learners should never participate in relationship young, only fast learners could. Because slow learners need time, and need to fight against time and his own goals in life.

I hate the feeling that you know the decision is out but u do not know the decision and have to wait. It drives me mad that I cant concentrate and do the things I want to do.

At least, like me, I want to be always prepared for situation no matter whether that would happen or not. Since, if it really happens, then it is my first time going through this kind of crisis. By the way, I thank those who called or reply me and asked me to be strong.

Things I would do if it happens:
1) Try to smile and ask to be friends. Possible? Can we still be friends be valid? I don’t know.
2) Pack up the room and return him things that he had given to me, so as to forget things that remind me of him.
3) Write down a list of his flaws and why I hate him, so as to make him seem as like, it shld be happiness after breaking free from him.
4) Go for retail therapy, go K-box.
Main objectives: Forget him, forget he exists, forget u are with him.

And maybe go running, running away from reality and keep urselves occupied at all times!

Just hope that I can handle well IF it really happens. Smile XJ!

        When you wish for sth alot, u have to sacrifice sth in order to achieve that goal. sometimes the ting u sacrifice may mean alot to u.

my relationship is yet in rocks again, on the verge of breaking up. Just waiting for green light from him. Although he said that he doesnt noe, but I noe that deep down, despite that both of us do not want to break up, since it is our first love, but I know that too many differences, conflicts would drawn us apart.

I have a fine day in the aftnoon, in the lab, although tedious, but I am glad that I obtained a pretty decent results. And he then called me to say that he would wait for me at Tampines. And he did. After that, he asked me to walk home from tampinesMRT station at 8p.m and I didnt have lunch. So, of course, I wasnt happy over it, I was so tired and hungry, but yet he asked me to walk.
This isnt the first time we having this kind of fights. We have alot. He is upset that I cared too much about everyone around me, care too much about studies, care too much of looks, do not exercise, do not sleep early etc etc. The list is so long that I find that he dislike me in everything. And he told me before " We are past the honeymoon stage, unlike everyone else". It is true but I wish that I still have the happy lovely feeling of knowing about his life and at the same time, obtain what I have to do in my own life. I guess, it can never be balanced since I am struggling hard balancing my own life.

I know people says that I am a huge complainer, but I am really trying very hard to take life slowly. But, it is hard when everyting just drives u another way, that it is hard to smile and say "I am fine, thank you." No, it is a lie to say that.

And I cried today. But I know, tears means nth. I’ll strong and stand up to myself.
Be strong XJ. Everything will be fine.

I am so pissed off! Feel like kicking against the wall and throwing things. Never feel so frustrated in my life. Next week I am having a bloodly test that is bloodly 40% and I am having troubles trying to study! This module sucks to the core. Make me damn angry while studying and the progress is so slow! And to add on this bloodly frustration, my bloodly bf is making me so so so pissed! He kept asking me to go out with him, and when I rejected, he sounded pissed! This had been going on for quite some time and I am trying to cool myself down. But this semester, I really need to do well badly! I know that he is leaving Singapore soon and I have only this semester to be with him, before god knows when he would come back! I am really getting lost and angry that I cried. I really don’t know what to do. April is coming and this would be the most horrible mth. Too horrible that I really dread it from coming soon. Cause exams, projects, tests and he is also leaving Singapore.

DAMN! DAMN! DAMN!

PS: Why doesnt he EVER understand why I have to devote my time to studying? This is driving me crazy. I cant help it. I want to cry.

I have never felt so angry and upset in my whole life after hearing the news. These news disturbed me so much after hearing from my mom. We cried.

My male cousin is going on divorce with his wife at age 35. And the wife was the sweetest woman on earth. They had 2 cute children. And now they are going on divorce because my cousin had an affair with a bitch! Yes! A BITCH FROM A*STAR AGENCY WHICH HE WORKS IN! AND IF YOU BITCH IS READING MY BLOG, I AM TELLING YOU THAT YOU LEAVE MY COUSIN ALONE.

I cant believe that this woman, who was one of the top in corporate board I think in A*star agency, she forced to divorce her husband which I heard that he refused to, and she forced my cousin to divorce her wife, FORCE and THREAT with my cousin that she would commit suicide if he does not divorce his wife. And he DID! HE WALKED OUT OF THE HOUSE DEPSITE HIS DEAR SON CRIED AND CLING ON TO HIS LEG AND SAY " DADDY, DON’T GO!".

And the saddest thing was that my cousin was not like that in the past. Really not. It makes me cry when I heard this news. He left her with the 2 children and she had no job.

So, gals, please please please don’t be just a hosuewife when you are married kk? We must work in order to let those bloodly guys look up to us. Don’t dont stop working please people.

PS: I will make sure that I would look for the BITCH when I entered A* Star. And, apparently since A*star is always looking for those top-notch people, this proves that they have brains but no compassion. Once again, B–I-T-C-H!